My head is aswirl

Is "aswirl" a word? If not, I'm voting to make it one. Cuz my head is definitely aswirl today. So much going on in there, even while most all of what appears out here is quiet and appears calm.

Bob's been having a rough couple of daysnwhile he comes off one medication and starts another. He doesn't see anyone until next month so sometimes I feel like we're riding this out alone, even though I know that isn't true. Tommy & Carrie have been here through this with us, and the ARNP we saw said we could call at any time if we had questions. It's just that most of the time it's just him and me at the coach, and he's so unhappy here that it just compounds everything.

Add to that the fact that my knee has blown up and I'm seeing an orthopedic specialist tomorrow. It's been a while since I've walked with a cane or worn a knee brace and sometimes the pain is off the charts. Which really reduces the amount of energy I have to give to Bob. He hates that, too. He hates that he takes any of my energy. He feels like such a wimp, like he should be able to handle this all on his own. But isn't that what partners do for each other? Isn't that the "in sickness and in health" part of the vows?

Plus I'm feeling sad for a Yorkie friend of mine who lost her husband. He turned off his oxygen (but not all the way, obviously), lit a cigarette & sat on the sofa to smoke it. She was asleep in the bedroom when it exploded. He tried crawling to the kitchen to dial 911; she was successful dialing 911 as she climbed out the bedroom window. She was a breeder of the most beautiful dogs. I believe six of seven made it out alive. They had homeowners insurance, but I'm wondering if it will cover his negligence. Plus she has fibromyalgia and no healh insurance for any of the medical bills she's incurred as a result of all this. It's such a sad situation.

And there is the ongoing family dramas that I find myself getting sucked into. I was sitting here on the iPad while Bob napped having a conversation in my head with one of the participants when I remembered something a wise friend told me. She says she tries not to have conversations with people unless they're in the room with her. I loved that. I don't know how often I've caught myself having a long, drawn-out discussion (monologue is more like it) about something in my head in response to some off-hand snipe or cut that I didn't respond to at the time but really wanted to get my two cents worth in on. So I stopped myself from that discussion in my head and said a quick prayer for the person and our relationship. I'll probably have to pull myself back from it a few more times, but I'll let it go eventually.